The Storm After The Honeymoon

Nov 16

I grew up poor. From day one in the military, I helped my family as much as I could. I paid for my sister’s culinary art school, bought my mom a car, and sent money whenever I could. Money helps with the stress of bills but sometimes what people need is for you to just physically be there. Which is why after eight years in the military, I was ready to get out and be around my family. I was excited and nervous because I entered the military a single eighteen-year-old and was exiting married with two kids. Something told me to call a buddy from 3rd Special Forces Group who had gotten out a year before me. We lived together and fought side-by-side in Wardak, Afghanistan, but even then it wasn’t like we talked all the time. We never linked up state-side or introduced our families to one another. Nor did we have cookouts at our homes or watch games, or go out at night to bars, or anything like that. I just respected him and even though we did not talk daily, I felt I could ask for advice.

I sent him a message over social media. He sent me his phone number and said to call him. He asked me what my plan was and listened while I laid it all out. My plan sounded solid but he still said, “Whatever you do, do something. Don’t stop and just sit there…and be ready for the storm.” If we had been closer friends, I would have asked him what exactly he meant by that. I had an idea what he meant so I left it at that and thanked him for talking to me. Soon after that call, my family and I drove from Georgia to California. Everyone was happy to see us and every weekend was spent at someone’s house catching up. I started class almost immediately and found a martial arts gym and trained 5-6 times a week. I was getting A’s and B’s in school, spending more time with my family, and staying physically active. Life was amazing!

Three months later, my wife and I were in the shower when I told her, “Luke said to be ready for a storm, but everything is great. I guess that ‘Storm’ doesn’t happen to everyone.” Then a few days later the storm started creeping in and the honeymoon was over. One day after a killer Muay Thai session, questions that I never thought I would asked myself, popped up. I started to question if I even mattered because I got out and the machine, that is the military, didn’t skip a beat. It just continued like I didn’t matter. To me, the military was my world – my life. In addition, it wasn’t hard to see that part of the U.S. population either did not know people were still fighting overseas or they just did not care. Which made me ask what all of this was for and why did my friends have to die?

Internally, a type of battle I was not prepared for had started but externally there was another one that was just as difficult. My wife had always been supportive throughout my military career. She never told me, “No” and always said, “Yes” to every request I had. I missed the birth of both of my kids along with birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Many of them were missed because I volunteered to go to a school or on deployment. When my first child was going to be born, my chain of command gave me the option to stay back but I said no. The story was the same for my second child, and I decided to go once again. My wife knew I had options, but she never gave me any crap for choosing to go. I would put her second and the military first, and the men were always first. I didn’t acknowledge her love and support, which created a deep negative feeling in her that came out when I got out of the army. Before that, whenever any marriage issues came up, she always just put it to the side. She understood my head needed to clear while deployed or at whatever military school I was at.

Then there were no deployments or military schools to attend. All the issues we never addressed came out and we almost divorced. I soon found myself sleeping at my Aunt’s house, alone and away from my family. The main reason I got out was so I could spend more time with my wife and kids. That’s when all these emotions and thoughts I suppressed while on active duty, came out. I didn’t suppress things because I wanted to be a tough guy or something, it just wasn’t the time for it. For example, when my friend was killed overseas, I knew crying and breaking down wasn’t going to help anyone. Some of us were still alive and needed to keep fighting with a clear mind. Yet, I never really did make the time to address things like that. I was just so caught up in trying to be the best I could at my job.

The stories of Veterans drinking their problems away, numbing themselves with pills, or worse, taking their own life, are well known. I didn’t want to end up like that, so I stayed away from it all, but I was destroying myself slowly. On the outside things looked great. I was still passing my classes and killing it at the gym. Sleep became an issue and I started drinking so much Nyquil that it was cheaper to buy the big packs at Costco. During the day I was drinking coffee and 5-hour Energy shots, left and right. I wasn’t addressing any of my emotional issues and the depression was really kicking in. Scarier questions and thoughts popped into my head and I figured if I worked out even harder, I would be too tired to even think about them.

Eventually, I made a friend who happened to be a former Ranger as well. He was the president of the Veteran’s Club at school. He reminded me to set the example for others to follow and to always represent myself properly. Those words never really came out of his mouth but just listening and watching him kill it at school, made me step it up. Plus, I wondered if my dead friends would have loved to see me in this state. Also, I really missed my family and enough was enough. I started taking the right steps towards making life better for me and my family. I immediately stopped drinking NyQuil like a mad-man and instead took CBD. I made new friends, started socializing more, and communicating better with my wife. I went to a local Veteran resource center and made appointments with one of their counselors. We rarely talked about war, it was mostly about life on the outside.

Things were improving but there was still something I did not quite understand. I felt like something was missing, almost like an emptiness. That emptiness was there because I no longer had a purpose or brotherhood. Sure, I could call or text friends but that is not the same as being with them daily. The military gave me a sense of purpose, made me feel like I was part of something bigger than me, and now it was all gone. Around that time, I started sharing more cool-guy pictures and combat footage on Instagram. I began getting messages from guys asking for advice on how to prepare themselves for selection. Answering their questions allowed me to somehow give back to the community and it gave me a sense of purpose. I began sharing my experiences while in the military and life after the military.

The storm my friend warned me about was very real. From what I have seen so far is that most Veterans experience it too. The size of the storm varies and how individuals deal with it varies too. Some figure out a way to continue their success after the military and some, for one reason or another, still can’t figure it out.

To summarize, these are the three main things I feel helped me transition from an active-duty service member to a civilian: